Say You Love Me by Sabre Rose

Author:Sabre Rose [Rose, Sabre]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Published: 2019-11-06T16:00:00+00:00

chapter eighteen

THEN

~

FINITY

I sit on the toilet and stare at the two blue lines. It has only been a few months since Hudson brought up the idea of having children. It had been one Friday night as we were sitting on the couch and he’d just blurted it out. No preamble, no time for me to prepare a response, he’d just said it.

“I want to have a child.”

I laughed but Hudson didn’t. He was serious. He was eager and he wanted us to start straight away. At first, the thought had panicked me, but the more I thought about the possibility of sharing a child with the man I loved, the more I came around to the idea.

A few weeks later, I stopped taking the pill. And now it has happened. Quickly. Too quickly. I don’t feel prepared. I’m not ready. I thought it would take months of trying, years even. But the results are there, right in front of my eyes.

I’m pregnant.

The thought doesn’t bring with it the swells of emotion I was expecting. I thought maybe I’d feel happiness and excitement mixed with a little trepidation. Or maybe annoyance and anger mixed with sadness of the freedom we’d lost.

But I feel nothing.

I’m numb.

I consider calling someone, but I’ve got no one to tell other than Hudson and telling him over the phone doesn’t seem right. I’ve cut off everyone else in my life. The only person I cling to from my past is the memory of my father.

Maybe it’s my own childhood that is the reason I feel numb. Although there are happy memories I cling to, my life wasn’t filled with them. They were few and far apart, their frequency dwindling greatly after the death of my father.

But my child, our child, their childhood wouldn’t be like that.

Tossing the test aside, I get up and wander over to the window that looks out over the yard. I imagine a swing and Hudson pushing our child back and forth, a carefree smile across his face. I imagine a sandpit and them playing with trucks, spluttering engine noises coming from their mouths. I imagine Hudson coming home from work, hurriedly rushing through the door to be with us, the smile on his face stretched wide, his arms reaching to embrace us both.

We would be nothing like my parents.

But there is one memory of them that sticks out in my mind, one that brings me comfort, though I’m unsure if it’s even real.

It was late. I was supposed to be asleep in my bedroom, but the night was too hot, and I was too restless. Music floated down the hall and crept in through the cracks around my door. Mum had always told me that bedtime was bedtime. It was one of her favorite sayings. It meant I was supposed to stay in my room. It meant I wasn’t supposed to creep down to the living room or try to climb into their bed at night. But this night, the music called to me.

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